She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
