she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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