I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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