You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
