I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
