The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
