"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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