So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize