I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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