drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
