dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Dear god my vagina.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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