Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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