I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize