I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize