Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
