I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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