Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize