i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
