I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
