Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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