just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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