If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
