Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
