why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
