You're my little dorito
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
