at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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