So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
