I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
