if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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