Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
NoShamevember. You game?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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