when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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