ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
