Its about making memories worth repressing
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
