wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
