theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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