I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
