i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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