You're my little dorito
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
