My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
