I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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