My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
