i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
