I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
