How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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