the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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