There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
