I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize