All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
