just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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