I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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