whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
