At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I intend to get homeless drunk
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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