she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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