Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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