I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
