Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
